Kobe Bryant recently broke the internet by posting a video of him getting drafted to Slythering while using a Sorting Hat filter, something that’s a perfect fit for him considering he’s the Black Mamba himself.
Notably, that raised our curiosity regarding which players could play for the two biggest houses of the Harry Potter universe: Gryffindor and Slytherin.
As we all know, that’s the biggest rivalry when it comes to wizards, so why not try and make our very own teams for each house? who’d win? Let’s break it down:
“You might belong in Gryffindor. Where dwell the brave at heart. Their daring, nerve, and chivalry set Gryffindors apart”
Gryffindors are brave. They’re not afraid of any challenge, and they’ll always try to do what’s best for each other. They’re loyal, and won’t try to ring-chase when things don’t go their way. They just make things happen, but without stepping over people in the meantime.
Point Guard – Stephen Curry
Stephen Curry is the complete opposite of what most NBA players have been throughout history. He met his wife in church, is a man of his family, and just enjoys every second of the game.
Moreover, he’s spent his entire career with one franchise and isn’t likely to ever leave the Warriors after beating the odds and leading them to three Championships.
Shooting Guard – Michael Jordan
When it comes to loyalty there’s not much we can’t say about Michael Jordan, who only played for a different team after he had retired for the second time and was also a part of their front office.
Jordan’s story is like outside of a movie. He just couldn’t be beaten, and is the ultimate superhero. Also, he listened to his heart during his first retirement to pursue another dream, classic Gryffindor move.
Small Forward – Kawhi Leonard
Kawhi Leonard isn’t the kind of player that loves to talk a lot. Hell, if it was up to him, he wouldn’t even address the media after games and would go straight home to his family.
Leonard lost it all as a kid, just like Harry. He worked his heart off and slowly mastered all the arts and crafts that make a successful NBA player. Also, you know there’s just no evil on him at all.
Power Forward – LeBron James
This one may be kind of tricky as LeBron James initially left the Cavaliers to join the Heat and win a Championship. However, his heart and love for the team eventually called him back home to fulfill his promise.
Moreover, James is the ultimate philanthropist. He never gets tired of giving and looking up for those whose voices are never heard. He’s a born leader.
Center – Hakeem Olajuwon
Hakeem Olajuwon put a lot of community work during his time in the NBA. Also, his movements were something the league had never seen and looked straight out of Hogwarts.
Moreover, Olajuwon was Shaquille O’Neal’s nemesis, so it’s only natural to choose him to try and guard the most powerful and physical player of the opposing house.
“Or perhaps in Slytherin, You’ll make your real friends, Those cunning folks use any means to achieve their ends”
Slytherins, on the other hand, are constantly starving for greatness regardless of the price they have to pay for it. They will speak up and let everybody know a piece of their minds, they don’t mind being hated if that brings them the ultimate glory.
Point Guard – Russell Westbrook
Russell Westbrook is such a villain in this league, he doesn’t even care anymore. He’ll get in the face of fans, bullies them, and even forces security to throw them out.
Westbrook isn’t here to make any friends. He’s here to win. Moreover, he’s here to win on his own terms. He’ll take the ball when he wants, even if that means snubbing a teammate.
Shooting Guard – Kobe Bryant
You’re kidding, right? This guy is literally the Black Mamba. He’s the ultimate Slytherin, a guy that would do anything it took to win a Championship regardless of how ethically questionable it could be.
Kobe studied the ref’s book so he could get away with holds, travels, and fouls. He literally claimed that friends come and go, but banners hang forever. There’s no need to explain it here.
Small Forward – Kevin Durant
Since leaving the Oklahoma City Thunder to join the Golden State Warriors in 2016 people have been calling Kevin Durant a ‘snake’, so he’d be a perfect fit for team Slytherin.
Durant left his former teammates without notice, then took shots at him on a burner account, stopped talking to Russell Westbrook, and then did it all over again at the Bay.
Power Forward – Draymond Green
Draymond Green is a classic Slytherin. He’s a guy that will get on everybody’s face, even his teammates, just like he did with Kevin Durant earlier last year.
Green has embraced his role as a villain by kicking players in the nuts, yelling at the referees, coaches, and rivals. He brings the most of his game when he’s motivated by anger.
Center – Shaquille O’Neal
Some of the most powerful wizards have been to Slytherin, and there has never been a player as powerful, strong, and physical as the great Shaquille O’Neal.
We’re talking about a guy that literally dunked on people and then shoved them away. A guy that had a tv show mocking opposing players. You just can’t hate him, but he’s a classic Slytherin.
Team Gryffindor has the upper hand in terms of shooting for sure, but Team Slytherin isn’t going to be bullied around the paint. They’re stronger and more physical, and they know it.
This game is pretty close from start to finish, with Stephen Curry getting hot from deep early, but Kevin Durant constantly answering from beyond the line as well.
Russell Westbrook and Kobe Bryant constantly try to post up Curry, while Jordan deals with a lot of shoves, scratches, and trips every time he drives through the lane.
Draymond Green tries to take Kawhi Leonard out of the game with a slight kick to the quad, but gladly for Team Gryffindor, he’s able to stay on the court and play some of his well-known defense.
Team Gryffindor gives LeBron the ball to work as their primary ball-handler, with the rest of them playing off-ball and making the most of mismatches.
However, Kobe’s on a roll and on pace to top his 81-point performance with 80 points in regulation. Teams are tied at 120 and we head to overtime.
Shaq takes over during the first overtime, but Jordan keeps answering with his flawless midrange game. Five minutes go by and we’re level at 135.
Second overtime and the paint is loaded. Gryffindors are forcing Westbrook and Green to take long-range shots, and obviously, they’re not hitting any of them.
Kobe Bryant takes over and continues his movie-like performance, hitting tough shot after tough shot despite Jordan’s and Leonard’s suffocating defense. Third overtime.
Slytherin jump to a 9 point lead with the score 170-161, but Jordan rises like a Phoenix and goes on an 8-point run to give Slytherin the ball with 30 seconds left.
Kobe wants to go for the kill. He’s got the ball on his hands and you know he’s going to take the shot. He’s triple-teamed, turns around, fades away from three, but the ball rims out.
In the last possession, Michael Jordan, smart as Albus Dumbledore, reads the Slytherin defense, calls for isolation and scores a fadeaway jump shot over Kobe Bryant for the 171-170 win for team Gryffindor!