Players’ hairlines are often goofed on, whether that is fair or not. There is not much a man can do once his hair starts receding, because it is part of human nature due to testosterone levels and other hormonal factors. In fact, hair loss is one of the most widely discussed topics for men worldwide. Even if players such as LeBron James have received some criticism for their hairline, at least he has hair.
We have seen some superstar players who have sported no hair, including the likes of Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant among others. Having no hair did not affect them in any way, and quite frankly, it has probably not bothered any professional basketball player. It is just a silly way for fans to poke fun at players. But what if we were to create a best-of-7 series between bald superstars and superstars with hair? Who starts, and who ends up winning? Let’s find out.
Magic Johnson vs. Stephen Curry
Magic brings tremendous size and passing at the point guard position, skills that Stephen Curry will find hard to beat. Johnson is simply the greatest playmaker ever and will make his elite stars better, in the half-court and on the break.
Meanwhile, Stephen Curry will put a ton of pressure on Magic from the perimeter. Steph is the best shooter of all time and will consistently move off the ball to get good looks throughout the game. Even if Curry will get bullied in the post, he will make up for it with his long-range shooting.
Michael Jordan vs. Kawhi Leonard
The legendary Michael Jordan is the greatest scorer of all time and also a terrific defensive player on the perimeter. MJ will not have an easy time with Kawhi Leonard defending him, but he will still lead all players in scoring throughout the series.
Leonard is one of the best perimeter defenders ever and will focus the majority of his efforts in limiting MJ to under 50% shooting throughout the series. A large forward with massive hands, Kawhi is the go-to defender for his side while also a reliable shooter from the outside.
Kobe Bryant vs. LeBron James
By far the most exciting matchup has to come down to Kobe Bryant and LeBron James. We were robbed of this matchup in 2009 when LeBron was unable to get past the Orlando Magic to reach the Finals against the Lakers. Nonetheless, Kobe brings elite offensive ability to the court against The King. Surprisingly, Bryant will be exceptional in being a playmaker and will average 6 APG in the series.
LeBron will be tasked with being the “Magic” of his side, setting up his superstar offensive players with pinpoint passing and leadership. An improved outside shooter with natural size, LeBron will be a load to handle by any player and that includes Bryant. A triple-double threat, James will average his standard 27-7-7 in the series.
Kevin Garnett vs. Kevin Durant
A dominant defensive player that relishes matchups against other stars, Kevin Garnett will be massive in this series. The big man will have a quiet start to the series, but his impact will be felt in big moments. It will not be easy for KG to contest Durant’s shots and stop him by any means, but the power forward will do just enough when it matters.
Durant will lead his side in scoring, usurping LeBron’s average with 28 PPG of his own. A dynamic shooter and scorer from everywhere on the court, KD will be forced to score the ball consistently. Even if KD prefers to let the game come to him, against KG and the superstar opponents he is facing, that won’t be the case.
Shaquille O'Neal vs. Hakeem Olajuwon
At center, Shaquille O’Neal brings his dominant size and skillset to the All-Bald Team. Bolstered by the presence of former Defensive Player of the Year Kevin Garnett, Shaq will have his way with his opponent on most occasions. Hakeem Olajuwon is no regular opponent, and Diesel will not dominate easily. But he will put up monster numbers for a lineup filled with superstar talent.
Hakeem understands he has a tall task ahead of him dealing with Shaq, especially since Kevin Durant is so slender in build and LeBron James already has a ton to handle on offense. But the former Defensive Player of the Year winner will do enough to make an impact, leading his team in rebounds, blocks, and steals.
All-Bald Team Advantages
The All-Bald Team has a perfect mix of shooting, size, defense, and leadership. It might seem too simple to announce the squad as a perfect team, but they truly are. They have the best passer ever, the best shooting guards ever, and one of the most imposing frontcourts in NBA history.
The team will go as Magic goes, and they will go far. Michael and Kobe alongside him mean no team has a chance to compete on offense, no matter who they have. Garnett and Shaq are two enforcers who will compete at a high level, making the team all the more tougher to beat.
All-Hair Team Advantages
The All-Hair Team has tremendous shooting ability, especially when paired with a dominant playmaker like LeBron James. The King will handle the ball as much as possible, creating easy shots for Stephen Curry and Kevin Durant. Whenever LeBron has shooters, a team’s offense runs incredibly efficiently.
The All-Hair Team also has an elite two-way superstar in Kawhi Leonard, a guy who will defend Michael and Kobe as much as possible while also nailing outside shots. Finally, they have the only center who gave Shaq the most trouble in his career. Hakeem will have a tall task ahead of him, but he will play as well as possible against a dominant big man.
Who Wins A Best-Of-7 Series?
Game 1 is a blowout for the All-Bald Team. Michael scores 20 points in the first half, while Kobe chips in 15. With a 25-point lead with 5 minutes left in the third quarter, there was not much LeBron James and company could do. They cut it to 10 in the 4th quarter thanks to 5 threes by their shooters, but Michael puts it away with 35 in the game.
Game 2 is a nail-biter, coming down to a few critical possessions. LeBron James is the star of the show, putting up 32 points and 15 assists in the game. The King has a chance to go one-on-one with MJ with the game on the line in the 4th quarter, but a tie-up is called a jump ball with 10 seconds left. James wins the tip, with the ball rolling to Kevin Durant. The forward attacks, steps back, and nails a jumper over Magic Johnson with .5 seconds left. A late Kobe jumper misses, giving the All-Hair Team the win.
Kobe Bryant is the star of Game 3, and we will just leave it there. Bryant starts hearing noise that he is getting outshone by MJ and LeBron in the series, and answers the bell with a massive 42-point performance on 30 shots. Kobe becomes uninterested in passing as he was in the earlier games, taking any good look he has and forcing the issue. Kawhi Leonard is forced to pick up Kobe for the majority of the game, but it isn’t enough. The Black Mamba takes over, scoring 10 points in the 4th en route to an 8-point victory.
Stephen Curry and Kevin Durant heat up from three in Game 4, combining for 10 three-pointers made. Once the shots start going in from deep, there is not much an opponent can do. After all, 3 points count more than 2, and the inability for Magic to quickly get over picks to contest Curry’s shots is an issue in this game. Shaq dominates with 30 points, but the three-point shot is the main factor in Game 4.
With the series tied, there is a chance for a superstar to stake his name on the game. Is it Michael Jordan? Nope. How about LeBron James? No. The answer is the Big Ticket, Kevin Garnett. With an even game, the fourth quarter is a back and forth. Kevin Durant nails a deep two-point shot over Kobe Bryant to give his side a 2-point lead with 5 seconds left. Magic tries to find Michael on the inbound but instead lobs a pass to KG on the block. The Big Ticket pump fakes, draws the foul and makes the shot over KD with .6 seconds left. With the free throw going in, Garnett gifts his side a 1-point victory and a 3-2 series lead.
Game 6 is pure perfection from the All-Bald stars. Magic Johnson registers a triple-double with 13 assists, Kobe drops 29 points on 48% shooting, and Michael finishes with a 30-point double-double. Shaq dominates down low, grabbing a series-high 18 rebounds and 3 blocks. Hakeem answers the call with 25 points and 6 blocks, but his team is simply outdone by 5 Hall of Fame opponents.
Final Result: All-Bald Team vs. All-Hair Team 4-2
Finals MVP: Michael Jordan
Credit for the idea: Hooperbible/Instagram